Thursday, March 31, 2011

The SADDEST moment of my life.

{Post 90/365: Original Post: Verisimilitude}
The story of my deepest sorrow begins with me being 4 1/2 months pregnant and going to the hospital to have my first ultrasound. The technician kept sighing. 
Then, when he asked if there had been any cramping or spotting I KNEW something was wrong. He couldn't tell me anything. He told me we could wait in the waiting room for the doctor on call to talk to us or go home and call our family doctor for the results. 
We waited. 
For FOUR (4) HOURS!! 
Then, because something had happened to make the baby stop growing, and he LOOKED like he was only 12 week size this particular doctor told me to go home and wait for the baby to spontaneously abort. IDIOT! 
I AM almost 5 months pregnant!! I am about a WEEK away from feeing the baby beginning to kick and move! I HAVE already heard his heartbeat and he sounded wonderful!! So I went home and called MY doctor. He said, "Why would he tell you that? You can't wait!" 
"No duh I can't wait around with a dead baby inside me!!" doctor prescribed a medication to induce labour and it worked and then hubby and I waited for it to start because he said it could take from anywhere between 2hrs and 8 or so. But, it started right away and hubby and I drove to Orillia to share the most sorrow we have ever shared in our lives together. 
There are parts of this story I will never tell. I will carry them with me all the days of my life but, I won't share because they are my pains to keep-to myself. 
Orillia has a beautiful program for parents who lose their babies and they have beautiful, compassionate nurses who make the whole ordeal easier to handle. 
When my contractions started in earnest I was sitting in a chair enduring them and then I realized...drugs were not going to hurt anyone because I was not going to have a living baby to hold at the end of this. So I called the nurse and asked for drugs. Then I climbed into the bed and fell asleep. 
In the morning I woke up and went to the bathroom to pee and gave birth to my son, Andrew Jordan Bissonette. 
I called the nurse again and she took him and said she would clean him and bring him back so we could look at him again. I am calm as I tell you this but, I assure you I was NOT calm at the time. In fact, I was almost hysterical. I made hubby climb into the bed with me and hold me while we waited for them to bring him back. 
At the time we didn't know whether he was a boy or a girl so the nurse had suggested we choose a name that could be for either. Hubby suggested Jordan and I liked it so that was it. That part was easy really. 
When the nurse returned with AJ he was laid in a little pocket almost the size of a mini tissue holder that some grandma lady had made for these special babes. 
He had: 

  • 2 arms 

  • 2 legs 

  • 10 fingers 

  • 10 toes 

  • 2 ears 

  • 2 eyes 

  • a nose 

  • and a smile his momma would have loved (I KNOW this) 

  • and YES he had "the equipment"

    This is the part that hurts because I love him just as much as the other three even though I did not get to keep him, smell him, clothe him, kiss him, smell him, sing to him, teach him, bathe him, listen to him coo and giggle and eventually begin to talk, watch him crawl and move and eventually walk....

    At some point the nurse brought a beautiful memory book that I could write in which included pics of the baby that we could look at later as we needed to or show our family if they needed to see him. The book came with an outfit that I thought was very beautiful but, because our baby was so tiny I asked the nurse to take back and give to another family who may actually be able to use it for their baby. But, the gesture was not lost on me. It was very sweet.

    A year after, on the anniversary of AJ's death we received a card from the nurses in this unit and I have always been touched deeply by the work that they are doing for and during the grieving process of all those parents who have lost their babies too.

    Thank you.

    This is NOT my whole story but it is enough for you to know and share my sorrow.
    AND enough for all the other mother's who have felt the same to know, I KNOW and I UNDERSTAND.

    I have since had a beautiful, healthy, joyful, angel baby and have moved on from this sorrow but, I carry AJ with me always and I will never forget him.
  • I am TRUE to my own heart.

    {Post 89/365: Original Post: I AM a QUEEN}

     If I come to the world with a heart of love and kindness the things that I want in life will not be selfish or self-serving therefore they will not be bad things or hurtful to other people. Then it will not be difficult to be TRUE to my own heart.
    It is easy to be TRUE to your own heart when you flow along WITH the flow of love coming from it.
    I value love.
    I value friendship.
    I value family.
    I value loyalty.
    I value honesty.
    I value integrity.
    I value TRUTH.
    I value a good heart.
    I value the soul.
    Everything that matters to me in this life falls in line with all of these things.
    If it doesn't I am not being TRUE to my own heart.
    I am not being true to who I am.
    I KNOW who I am.
    I have learned many lessons in life to know this and will learn many, many more yet.
    Sometimes these life lessons show you a strength inside yourself that you never knew you had and that is MAYBE part of the reason for the lesson in the first place.
    We have and ARE everything we need inside of ourselves to be STRONG, to be a GODDESS, to be a QUEEN, and to be TRUE to our own heart.

    Tuesday, March 29, 2011


    {Post 88/365: Original Post: Girls SHOULD}
    Apparently my life has been trying to tell me in no uncertain terms for quite a long time that I need to devote some time to taking care of myself. I don't seem to be a very good listener!
    I know that most girls have their own particular "beauty rituals" that make them feel pampered and taken care of so they can get recharged and refreshed and keep on kicking ass like all the great girls do but, I've never really been that girl. I've always been a wash and go kind of girl.
    I don't:

    • bother with make-up or the rituals that go with that
    • straighten, curl, or even blow dry my hair-told ya wash and go
    • get pedicures
    • or manicures- though my friend gave me one once for my birthday
    What things do you do to recharge and refresh your will to live and keep going? 
    We all know life can get us down sometimes and we all need something to be the "five minutes of ME time" lol. Some of us even decide to "take a ME day" though we can't do this EVERY day!
    I like to have a bubble bath but, I am beginning to think that I need a RITUAL of me time.  I need a bigger chunk of time to devote to myself and some *NEW* ideas about what can be part of this ritual.
    I need to find new and better ways to show LOVE to myself so that I will not feel bad or depressed and give up when I set goals and fall short. Time and ritual to recharge so I can take a deep breath, start anew and try again.
    I have MANY things I have to manage in my life, most of them having to do with my health and many of them feeling difficult to do or change and I sometimes fall short and want to even give up trying. So I want to create a time for affirming to myself that I am strong enough and capable enough to KEEP trying and that someday I will get to exactly where I want to be.
    So I search for a new *ME* ritual to allow me to know I am worthy to myself as well as the others around me. If you have any suggestions feel free to share! :)

    Monday, March 28, 2011

    HAVE their own WEEKEND Get Together.

    {Post 87/365: Original Post: Girls SHOULD}
    Once upon a time I tried to plan a weekend for all of us to go to Niagara Falls.
    If you have a large group of friends to please, TRY to get the ground rules set for meeting everyone's needs before you even begin or it may turn out to be an aggravation!
    I don't even mind going through that if at the end of it I actually GET to GO AWAY and enjoy the fruits of my labour with my girls and enjoy a wonderful weekend with them but, alas it was not meant to be.
    So I still carry a wish in my heart for such a weekend to take place but, I don't know when or if it will happen.  Though, I believe it should. In fact, I think we should have an annual weekend where all the girls of our group meet and do whatever we all agree we want to do.  If we can't agree on one thing it's a whole weekend surely we can fit in something for everyone!
    But, we need to brainstorm for those of us who live on strict budgets because we can't (obviously) always afford trips to Niagara Falls for a fun weekend. Don't we all wish we could!? Anyway, I think it shouldn't be THAT hard to sort out an enjoyable weekend that will meet the needs of ALL of us girls even though we are all different and perhaps think of "girl's weekends" differently.
    SO...maybe I will suggest it and we can take the next WHOLE year to argue our own individual inputs until we all agree on one plan that suits everybody! LOL
    I sure hope my girls can get together on this!! ;)
    You all know who you are-IF you read my post feel free to comment and voice your opinion! ;)

    The Goddess IN Me

    {Post 86/365: Original Post:(May 28,2010) KD Bissonette on Triond}
    I am beginning to see an inner truth that all women should know about themselves and yet do NOT.
    I am beginning to see and understand the goddess inside me.
    It doesn’t matter about the package I come in.
    It doesn’t matter if I’m flawed.
    It doesn’t matter if I have a leftover baby belly or  stretchmarks on  almost every part of my body.
    It doesn’t matter if my arms are bigger than my father’s, which I must say I HATE!
    It doesn’t matter if I am never going to be a “little” girl.
    It doesn’t matter if I have boy wrists.
    It doesn’t matter if I am bigger than you.
    It doesn’t matter if I am never perfect.
    They say the eyes are the window to the soul.
    I say it is my soul to which you must look.
    You must see that I am inside the essence of goddess.
    I AM venus, aphrodite, isis and more.
    I am love.
    From the opening of my eyes and heart each day.
    I wish you well.
    I wish you joy.
    I wish you love.
    I take your sorrow into my heart.
    I give you back a sweet smile, a soft touch, a warm hug and understanding..
    I hope for you an easy path with only enough hardship to know and appreciate your life.
    What matters to a woman are the people she loves.
    What matters to a woman is how she can make her loved ones lives better, easier, fulfilled.
    What matters to a woman is how she can help and nurture and support.
    What matters is her heart, her compassion, her soul.
    When she opens her heart to you, to become your friend, your lover, your companion, she offers all that is good inside her, all that is sometimes kept secret even from herself.
    She offers you the GODDESS that she is deep inside.
    PLEASE see, hear, feel, understand all she is and set her on the pedestal she deserves to shine from.
    You will never know better love than that from the deep soul of a goddess.
    So support her, uplift her, and encourage her to shine with her own inner light.
    I am shining with mine.
    I hope you will keep  shining with yours and if you haven’t started yet…PLEASE do!!

    Saturday, March 26, 2011

    I KNOW What I am Worth

    Post 85/365: Original Post: (Oct. 7,2010) I AM a QUEEN}
    I am here
    just as you are
    and my voice is valid
    just as your is
    we are both entitled
    to our own 
    likes and dislikes
    because this is true
    you have no more right to disrespect mine
    than I have to disrespect yours
    which means
    we must
    work together
    agree to disagree
    understand each other
    we must know
    when to back down
    and when to stand up
    we must know
    when to give in
    and when not to
    we must believe
    that we are worth
    if not to one person
    or another
    then at the very least
    to ourselves alone.


    {Post 84/365: Original Post: (Nov. 2, 2010) I AM a QUEEN}
    "Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different." ~Stacey Charter~ 

    Below are some articles I have read each expressing the authors idea of what respect is:



    I would like to talk about all the many ways in which a controlling or abusive partner may disrespect us.
    I think that sometimes many women don't even understand they are being disrespected.
    How? Because it happens so gradually over so much time sometimes they don't even notice it's being done until it is too late to fix it or stand up to it.
    I would like to say having learned through some hard experience that a man who completely disrespects you as a woman or even as a human being is not a MAN, has no self-respect of his own and DOES NOT love you.
    How can he love you if he loves himself so little that he can abuse you, down talk you, insult you, belittle you at every turn? 
    How can you call any of his controlling, jealous behaviours love?
    In a normal healthy relationship sometimes there is a place for a little jealousy and each partner will accept it as par for the course because it is what reminds us that we are connected and committed to each other and why. It will refresh our need to know that we belong somewhere and to someone. If this jealousy then gets out of hand to the point where we are then "bossing" our partner to do this or that or don't do this or that and trying to control their behaviour rather than just asking them to acknowledge our feelings and then accepting their choice then it is no longer healthy and is no longer respectful.
    Then we are living in a relationship based on fear and insecurity.
    By not learning to accept your partner's right to choose for himself and allowing him to do so is saying that you DO NOT trust him and do NOT respect him and sadly therefore are NOT loving him. Also the same is true in reverse...IF he is not allowing you the right and responsibility of making your own choices he is not respecting you either.
    I like to keep the peace. I will often let a lot of things go because this is true. In the grand scheme of things many of these things really are not that important to me so it IS my choice to accommodate, compromise, or sacrifice for the greater good...for peace.
    A person like me can't do well in a relationship with someone who would take a mile when you give them an inch because before long you have given up every basic freedom you never even knew you enjoyed. You will spend every waking moment walking on eggshells, living in fear, never knowing what thing you have done or said that was wrong this time.
    Hoping today won't be another day full of fights or arguements about NOTHING just because he's decided you deserve to be punished for something he feels guilty about.
    RECOGNIZE that you are worth more and you deserve better than to be told:

  • What you can and cannot wear.

  • What you can and cannot say.

  • Who you can and cannot talk to-(because every other man you look at including his brothers and friends IS somebody you want to go GET WITH!)

  • Where you can and cannot go.

  • WHO your friends can or cannot BE.

  • That YOU are NOW his property just because he married you.

  • That you are stupid, fat, useless, inadequate, ugly and NO OTHER man would ever want you! (You are just LUCKY that I put up with you!!)

  • EVERY nasty name you can think of and even some he makes up just to squash you like a bug!

  • EVERY other horrible, nasty hurtful thing YOU KNOW he says and does just to keep you under his thumb....
    BECAUSE he knows...
    YOU can leave.
    YOU can love.
    YOU can LIVE!
    YOU can laugh.
    YOU can breath.
    YOU can learn.
    YOU can grow.
    YOU can dance!
    YOU can ALWAYS find someone better than HIM.
    YOU can STAND up for yourself!
    YOU can LOVE yourself!
    YOU can BE STRONG!
    YOU can CHOOSE!
    YOU CAN find JOY again!
    YOU can shine with your OWN light!!
    That you ARE beautiful and intelligent and VERY capable of finding MANY other fish in the sea!
    HE is NOT the only man that will ever want you!
    YOU absolutely DESERVE better than the way he TREATS you!
    YOU absolutely DESERVE the BEST!
    BELIEVE IT!! I certainly do!!

    I know so many ways of disrespect because I lived through them.
    I hope that sharing my opinion will help someone else find her own strength.
  • The scariest thing that ever happened to me.

    {Post 83/365: Original Post:(Nov. 7,2009) Verisimilitude}
    I am behind in my posts because I have been sick this week so I'm posting 2 or 3 that I wrote previously.

    The scariest thing that ever happened to me was a fight with my ex-husband.  It was the last fight we had before I left him.  It was the final straw for me.
    He had been on me all afternoon.  I don't remember what was going on that day but I know the kids weren't with us and I thank God for that.  He wanted to fight and as usual he always got what he wanted.  I remember thinking that I was done with all the bullshit and I wasn't going to take it anymore.  I baited him knowing he would respond violently.  As soon as we were inside the door of the apartment he pushed me into the closet door so it closed and pinched my arm-THAT made a nasty bruise!  It all happened so fast after that I am not sure of many of the details.  That may be partly because it happened so long ago and partly that I never wanted to remember.  I knew if I could stay on my feet I would manage but if he got me to the floor I would be done.  So I managed to stay on my feet longer than I thought I would.  He put his arm around my neck at one point and tried to choke me but I pushed backwards and smashed him into the wall.  He said I was a lot stronger than I looked and I said that is only one of many things you didn't know about me!  That seemed to make him angrier.  I don't remember all the things we said to each other, I just knew that I was in trouble. We wrestled.  He won and I was on the floor with him sitting on top of me.  I was afraid then because I knew he was going to hurt me.  He put his knee over my throat at one point and tried to choke me. I tried to diffuse the situation and I tickled him. He did a 180 turn then and decided to be a lovey.  He tried to kiss me and I was not having it.  I'm sorry, you don't get to shove me around the apartment for an hour and then kiss me!!! So I turned my head.  That set him off all over again.  I didn't make the rules you see  I only followed them.  At this point, he grabbed my hair on either side of my head and smashed my head against the floor...I don't know how many times.  The next day my head hurt like hell and I had two black eyes.  At the point of the head smashing I did the only thing I could...I screamed like a girl! LOUDLY!!
    He tried to get me to shut up but I would not.  I knew I might end up dead if I didn't do something...if I didn't get some help.  He ran away because he knew the cops would come and he was an habitual criminal.  He didn't want to go back to jail.  I went to a neighbour downstairs to borrow the phone and call my mother.
    I hate to think about the life I was in that brought me to that point.  I also hate to think of all the people who loved me seeing a bruised and swollen me.  I could have died.
    It's very hard to think about even now and that was 19 years ago now. 

    Thursday, March 24, 2011


    {Post 82/365: Original Post: KD Bissonette on Triond}
    at the beach
    storm coming through
    a warm sweater
    taken from the arm of the chair
    "CSI" on tv volume turned low
    french fries on my mind

    Wednesday, March 23, 2011

    What Am I?

    {Post 81/365: Original Post:(Jan. 7, 2009) SoulSongs}
    Wide eyed innocence.

    I love
    I offer my heart
    My soul
    My All
    I am broken.

    I choose
    A life of pain
    A punishment
    For believing I am worthy.
    I am unloved.

    I am
    Beaten down
    Like glass.
    I am broken.

    I am used.
    I am abused.
    I cannot find the light
    Inside myself
    I am lost.

    I bring new life
    Into the world
    Not one
    But two
    I am responsible.

    I must choose
    I must choose
    I am a mother.

    I find
    A spark of light
    Inside myself
    and stand.
    I am courageous.

    I cry a lot
    I doubt myself
    I am afraid
    and yet I try
    I am tenacious.

    I find a hope
    Inside myself
    For something more
    A new beginning.
    I am healing.

    I take a journey
    I learn
    I grow
    I understand
    I am a woman.

    I lay the past
    To rest
    and walk toward
    A future
    I am faith.

    I hope and dream
    I wait and wait
    and want
    and I believe
    I am ready.

    I meet a man 
    Who fills my soul
    My heart
    With faith and trust
    I am loved.

    He retrieves the pieces
    of my broken heart
    and fits them
    back together
    I am mended.

    A new joy begins
    Making family complete
    But instead
    A loss so deep
    I am sorrow.

    And once more
    Inside myself
    No hope no reason
    No desire
    I am lost.

    Somehow again
    I face forward
    I start anew
    I have purpose again
    I am mom.

    Slowly they begin
    To drift into
    Lives of independence
    and my purpose becomes hazy
    I am confused.

    Now deeper
    Than ever before
    I am sinking into
    I am the deep BLUE funk.

    I need something more
    I need a purpose
    I wallow in
    I am aware.

    Then by fate
    Or destiny
    I find another piece of myself
    A joy, a shining light
    I am awake.

    I must find
    Another purpose
    I must find a new reason
    Stay up and stay awake
    I am rising.

    I hunt
    for what I do not know
    And then I find
    The center of myself.
    I am found.

    Then I learn
    That I am more
    Than I ever knew I was
    To many and in truth
    I am beauty.

    In learning Who I am
    I have also come to understand
    I deserve everything
    I am worthy and
    I am LOVE.

    I need not be ashamed
    Of who I am
    Or apologize
    For what I believe.
    I am a queen.

    ©2009 KD Bissonette