Low

{Post: 171/365}

why is it so hard

to find a positive

head space

when your body is

aching with pains

and your heart 

full of fear

that

a simple thing

like a little bit 

of extra heat

could be 

all the difference

between

sickness

and balance

I want to

think positive

but I hurt

and when I hurt

I SINK

so low 

...

so LOW

The DEEP BLUE FUNK

{Post: 133/365}

the

DEEP BLUE FUNK

is dancing 

on the outskirts

gunning for me

waiting with

dark intent

licking blood red lips

and laughing

fingers grasping

catching hold

dragging me down

tasting

delicious

doubts and fears

feeding on 

my worry and sorrows

waiting

knowing

if it drags me 

all the way down

it will be twice as hard

for me to climb

outside again

it is DEEP

not a pretty vibrant BLUE

but one of night

one of secret shadows

and darkness

and it is subtle in its FUNK

because it sneaks in

like a thief in the night

and unaware

you will realize one day 

you have already been 

swallowed whole

only to drift

unable to see

unable to change

unable to grow

stagnant

lost

unable to function

for real

lost in the dark

in the night of your own soul

unable to heal

unable to live

sometimes

it is even too hard

just to breath

BUT

one day

something NEW

and a LIGHT 

shines into your dark

it shows you the way

the light in your soul

is reborn

NOW

you must do

whatever it takes

to keep the light

of life and joy

burning

you must choose

LIFE

you must choose

LOVE

and you must do battle

with the DEEP BLUE FUNK

Sunshine After the Rain

{Post: 56/365}

there is always

sunshine

after the rain

there is always

hope 

after the pain

there is always

a story

behind someone's eyes

there is always

a reason

for wanting to cry

there is always

a choice

between sorrow and joy

there is always

a voice

that can touch deep inside

there is always

another 

step you can take

there is always 

another

choice you can make

there is always

a light

at the end of the tunnel

there is always

hope

for a brighter tomorrow

there is always

a reason

to keep keeping on

there is always

faith

to keep our hearts strong

there is always

sunshine 

after the rain

there is always 

love

to ease the pain

open your eyes 

Stress

{Post: 47/365}

tension tightens

in my shoulder and neck

and creates

a headache

I endure

by closing my eyes

and resting

eventually

I give up

and give in

and take something

to ease the pain

but it doesn't last

I can feel myself

clenching my jaw

gritting my teeth tightly

and it does nothing

to ease the pain

or slow the tightening of stress

in my body

I take a deep breath

and try to relax

I try to remember

don't worry, be happy

or 

hakuna matata

(no worries)

but I am a worrier

and I don't handle stress

very well

so

I aim for sleep

blessed sleep

and for awhile

I am released

until my dreams

cause me to wake

and recreate the stress

for new reasons, or dream reasons

but all the same

I worry too much

and it hurts

I think I really do

need to learn

to meditate and breath deeply

without stress!!

Missed a Visit

{Post: 362/365}

Well my stupid foot spoiled what would have been a lovely visit with hubby's mom & dad, brother and his family and sister. :(  But on a positive note I took the time of peace and quiet to finish writing a book that I have been working on. Woohoo my first draft is COMPLETE!

I will let it sit for a little while now and then when I go back to it with fresh eyes I will know what to correct and what to keep and also find any spelling errors I made.

Really, I am PROUD of myself for finally getting it DONE because I've been working hard on it over a year now.

Hopefully I will not allow myself to let it sit too long before I correct and get it ready for publishing. :) 

YAY me!!

Boxing Day

{Post: 360/365}
Pain again. :(
I don't know if it is what I ate or being dehydrated or not keeping my foot up enough or just the stress of going and doing when I am already not at my best but I HATE relapses!!
I've been drinking, drinking, drinking and drinking as much water as I can, eating blueberries and polished off my second bottle of cherry juice. Finally, the killing pain is done I think but I'm not 100% healed yet and I have decided I will NOT...Go...or...DO...again until the foot is DONE.
I AM however, GRATEFUL for hubby AND Gibby who are both helping me, getting me things, cooking for me, delivering my meals, drinks and snacks, and otherwise being annoyed and irritated (quite lovingly) as I rest and get better!! Thank you boys! LOVE you both MUCH!! xoxo

Pain

{Post: 352/365}

Throbbing

Aching

Fire

 My constant companion

Gout foot

Swollen too fat to bend

Standing

Shoots spikes into my leg

Sitting all day

Creates more discomfort

Any touch feeds the flame of fire

Shifting for a time

Still no relief

Shifting again

Jarring pain shoots through my foot

Kitty sits in my lap for a cuddle 

After only a few moments she must be shooed off

Pressure of her weight causes more pain

I keep a three foot bubble of space

Around my foot

Because bumping it 

creates

even MORE

aching

throbbing

FIRE.

please someone

bring me

blessed relief!

Am I Ready?

{Post: 346/365}
I am NOT.
I have a party to get food ready for on Saturday.
I have a few gifts left to organize and wrap.
I still need to go shopping!
I cannot do anything right now because it is excrutiating torture just to get from the couch to the bathroom!
I am suffering yet another gout attack at CHRISTMAS time! Is this some kind of punishment? I really begin to wonder you know cause it not only annoys my husband but also MYSELF that he has to do everything for me right now. I mean it is really lovely to be cooked for and taken care of but I hate annoying him and I HATE trying to explain to him how I want things done when it would be easier to do it myself if it wasn't so painful! :(
I guess that I will just have to roll with it as usual. It's not that he can't do things perfectly well it's just that I actually WANT to do these things as my gift of love to family and friends. It's all part of it for me. Passing the jobs onto him means I haven't done ANYTHING and makes me feel bad. :(
However, I am doing the best that I CAN do and I just hope everyone will understand yet again that I am not working at 100% at the moment and appreciate my effort. ;)

Pain is NOT my friend.

{Post 92/365: Original Post: Sucks To Be ME}

 A week ago I found out for the first time yet what it feels like to have one of the cysts on my kidneys burst.  It is not fun or pleasant. It hurts.
I was laid up in bed for a week. I've spent the last couple of days resting as well because I don't want that to happen again any time soon!
Thankfully, tylenol takes the edge off and the heating pad relieves some of the pain.
Thank GOD for that because I really can't spend a week in the hot bath tub!! LOL
The thing about being stuck in bed is that you think about all the things that you need to do and can't right now and it can be very frustrating.
The thing about being in pain like that is that it is a constant throb and causes stress on your body and mind.  It is very difficult to concentrate on anything or focus so I had a hard time keeping up with my blogs and I had to "cheat" by posting things I had written previously. So, I decided maybe I should just write all the time and save the finished stories and posts to a folder for sick days! LOL
But, the thing is when you get back to normal again real life comes crashing back into focus and you're back to your same routine again of laundry, dishes and other housework and any other extra projects you've set for yourself for the week or the month.  Since I am a terribly unorganized individual there is really no regular way in which I keep track of all these things so what's next is whatever comes into my head or pops into my attention first.
I do try to write lists for myself but sometimes I lose them and sometimes I JUST don't FOLLOW them. So all I can do is keep trying to get my "stuff" together and hope with time I DO get better at it!
In the healthy pain free times I will try to keep myself busy and write extra things in case of the next "bursting cyst" moment.
Some parts of living with my diseases depresses and frustrates me MUCH.
I don't like the pain.  IT is NOT my friend.
BUT, I have decided I REFUSE to let it get me down OR at the very least KEEP me down! I will take the down time when it comes as a moment to collect my thoughts and take a deep breath before jumping in feet first again and running full tilt at the speed my brain requests of me.  It will be like the calm before the storm.
AND I think that I can do that.  I can use those times as breathing space, calm, down time to rest and replenish for the up times.  Full speed ahead!