Gratitude: 314

{Post: 314/365}

Today I am grateful for:

LIFE

Gratitude: 261

{Post: 261/365}

Today I am grateful for:

life

I Will Fight

{Post: 293/365}

what will 

tomorrow bring

but more

stress, worry

and fear

I don't believe

I am strong enough

not to fear

not to doubt

not to wail and moan

and cry in misery

and sorrow

for my plight

and yet I know

that I will take a breath

and another

and I will

survive

each moment

as I am faced with them

I know

that I will fight

in the ways that I know

in the ways that I have

and I may yet learn

new ways as well

i will learn

not to worry the tomorrows

but to cherish

TODAY

and to follow the path

wherever it may lead

trusting the journey

trusting that I will be cared for

in ways I can't even imagine yet

not only will I LEARN

but I will leave bridges behind me

Balance

{Post: 292/365}

looking for

balance

in my life

between

needed exercise

my health

a restricted 

and boring diet

and time

to do the things 

i want to do

to read

to write

to travel

to meet 

and spend time 

with friends

I keep trying

to find

the perfect balance

Finding the Way

{Post: 290/365}

finding

my path

finding 

the next bend

in the road

learning

to face it

and embrace it

instead of

freaking out

running for the hills

hiding from the truth

owning my space

sharing my voice

shining my light

growing

into my soul

What Do I Want?

{Post: 251/365}

I want

a life full 

of friendship

a heart full 

of love

a soul deep 

with joy

a body vibrant 

with health

a mind strong

with intelligence

a spirit soaring

with passion and fire

I  want

a life full

of meaning

I AM...LIFE

{Post: 242/365}

the breath 

of life

flowing through

the blood in my veins

beating in every thump

and bump

of my heart

shining

throughout

every thought

in the mind

and my creative

process

drawn through

every breath

I take

expressed

through the joy

in my laughter

and the sweetness

and light

in my soul

I am LIFE

Bottom of the Barrel

{Post: 185/365}

I have been

down

to the bottom

of the barrel

I have been 

down

in the dark

I have been

lost

in a deep blue funk

I have

wallowed

in self-pity

I have cried

my share

of tears

I have made

my share of excuses

I have known

fear

and doubt

like the 

"friends you keep close,

and the enemies closer"

so deep a part of me

so hateful

and hurtful

deep inside of me

that I wash my hands of it

I step upwards

and out of the mire

of the dark

and the pity

and I stand

STRONG

I will fight

I will survive

It is MY life

and my CHOICE

I Believe

{Post: 122/365}

I believe

that

I deserve

to be loved

and

I can give 

MY love

without FEAR

because I am worthy

I believe

that

whatever I WANT

to do

I CAN do

because

I am intelligent

and capable

and ABLE

I believe

that

I can

shine a light

in dark places

with my LOVE

with my HEART

with my SOUL

and that

I should

I believe

that everything

happens 

for a reason

to create a change

to teach a lesson

to help us grow

I believe

that

what is meant to be

will BE

will find its way

in its own right time

and fulfill a destiny

I believe

that people

come to you

for a moment

for a season

for a lifetime

for a purpose

and a meaning

in your life

I believe

that even the difficult people

can teach something

about life

about values

about respect

about love

or maybe the lack thereof

for themselves

and for you

and even

yours for yourself

LEARN

and

I believe

that you can be 

open for tomorrow

in your life 

and friendships

and let go

of yesterday

and of today

and not cling to

what has passed

if it is time to let go

LET GO

I believe

in LOVE

and loyalty

and to cherish

the people we love

for always

yet

sometimes

we do this 

by moving on 

and letting go

and it is

OK

Easter

{Post: 98/365}

Jesus cried

with a loud voice

Eli, Eli

lama sabachthani?

My God, My God

why hast thou forsaken me?

Matthew 27:46

and every time

I read the words

my heart breaks

my soul cries

and I understand

a great and deep

abiding love

for ME

for YOU

for ALL

HE gave his life

for us

It was a gift

HE paid in blood

and PAIN

and SORROW

and LONELINESS

and yet

HE gave it

HIS LIFE

for that I MUST

cherish LIFE!

Insomnia

{Post: 73/365}

isn't it odd

that when you should be tired

and sleeping like a baby

you are wide awake

body thrumming

mind racing

creating

whirling

thinking

wake dreaming instead

of dreaming in sleep

and otherwise

up and open to

night time possibilities

but everyone else

is sleeping

so quiet is a must

don't disturb the slumber

of the lucky people

whose minds and bodies

have naturally given them rest

just write a poem

drink sleepytime tea

and relax

hoping for sleep to come again

The Light in My Life

{Post: 66/365}

the light in my life

is a friend

who lifts my spirit

when I am down

the light in my life

is a kitty

who warms my side

while encroaching on my space

the light in my life

are my two boys

who for no reason at all

will hug me and say, "I love you, mom!"

the light in my life

is my daughter

who dances to her own beat

and  I admire her

the light in my life

is a step-father

who calls me his "darling daughter"

and has a beautiful and generous heart

the light in my life

is my mother

who may not always agree with me

but will back me fiercely anyway

the light in my life

is hubby

who is my soulmate

and my best friend...always

the light in my life

is each soul connection made

whether here in my presence

or through the miracle of the internet

the light in my life

may be...

YOU

Sunshine After the Rain

{Post: 56/365}

there is always

sunshine

after the rain

there is always

hope 

after the pain

there is always

a story

behind someone's eyes

there is always

a reason

for wanting to cry

there is always

a choice

between sorrow and joy

there is always

a voice

that can touch deep inside

there is always

another 

step you can take

there is always 

another

choice you can make

there is always

a light

at the end of the tunnel

there is always

hope

for a brighter tomorrow

there is always

a reason

to keep keeping on

there is always

faith

to keep our hearts strong

there is always

sunshine 

after the rain

there is always 

love

to ease the pain

open your eyes 

Life Lessons

{Post: 55/365}

I'm learning to believe in myself

And I'm learning to share my opinion

And I'm learning to write what I think

Not hide it, when I blog

And I'm learning not to take life too seriously

And I'm learning not to beat myself up

And I'm learning (though it sometimes really hurts me)

Not to drink alcohol

And I'm learning to be open and unafraid

When I deal with other people

And I'm learning that it's much 

Much easier to be real and true 

June 16, 2011

{Post 167/365}

Happy Birthday Dad!
     I miss you so much. Your grandchildren are grown ups now and maybe I understand your stress and worry for me better now. It doesn't matter that they are grown and out in the world, I am still concerned that they are doing ok, following their own hearts, finding joy and contentment with their work and relationships and LIFE. The youngest one is also someone you would have loved so much! I am sad and sorry that you never got to know him but, even more so that he has never known YOU.
Sometimes life has such great sadness.
I am still trying to find my way through MANY challenges and come out on top.
I'm trying to learn to "Don't worry,be happy!" I know what you meant now.
I know there are many things I wish I had asked you, I wish I had known about you but, it is gone now and too late to get back. I am grateful for the things  did know and the time I did have.
Thank you for being a father I could be proud of.
More importantly for being a MAN I could be proud of and one to measure all other men by.
You were good, strong, compassionate, brave, honest and loving and I appreciate the things I have learned and the person I have become because of you.
Thank you dad for being you and being MINE.
I love you always and miss you so much! xo

The SADDEST moment of my life.

{Post 90/365: Original Post: Verisimilitude}
The story of my deepest sorrow begins with me being 4 1/2 months pregnant and going to the hospital to have my first ultrasound. The technician kept sighing. 
Then, when he asked if there had been any cramping or spotting I KNEW something was wrong. He couldn't tell me anything. He told me we could wait in the waiting room for the doctor on call to talk to us or go home and call our family doctor for the results. 
We waited. 
For FOUR (4) HOURS!! 
Then, because something had happened to make the baby stop growing, and he LOOKED like he was only 12 week size this particular doctor told me to go home and wait for the baby to spontaneously abort. IDIOT! 
I AM almost 5 months pregnant!! I am about a WEEK away from feeing the baby beginning to kick and move! I HAVE already heard his heartbeat and he sounded wonderful!! So I went home and called MY doctor. He said, "Why would he tell you that? You can't wait!" 
"No duh I can't wait around with a dead baby inside me!!" 
Soooo...my doctor prescribed a medication to induce labour and it worked and then hubby and I waited for it to start because he said it could take from anywhere between 2hrs and 8 or so. But, it started right away and hubby and I drove to Orillia to share the most sorrow we have ever shared in our lives together. 
There are parts of this story I will never tell. I will carry them with me all the days of my life but, I won't share because they are my pains to keep-to myself. 
Orillia has a beautiful program for parents who lose their babies and they have beautiful, compassionate nurses who make the whole ordeal easier to handle. 
When my contractions started in earnest I was sitting in a chair enduring them and then I realized...drugs were not going to hurt anyone because I was not going to have a living baby to hold at the end of this. So I called the nurse and asked for drugs. Then I climbed into the bed and fell asleep. 
In the morning I woke up and went to the bathroom to pee and gave birth to my son, Andrew Jordan Bissonette. 
I called the nurse again and she took him and said she would clean him and bring him back so we could look at him again. I am calm as I tell you this but, I assure you I was NOT calm at the time. In fact, I was almost hysterical. I made hubby climb into the bed with me and hold me while we waited for them to bring him back. 
At the time we didn't know whether he was a boy or a girl so the nurse had suggested we choose a name that could be for either. Hubby suggested Jordan and I liked it so that was it. That part was easy really. 
When the nurse returned with AJ he was laid in a little pocket almost the size of a mini tissue holder that some grandma lady had made for these special babes. 
He had: 

2 arms 

2 legs 

10 fingers 

10 toes 

2 ears 

2 eyes 

a nose 

and a smile his momma would have loved (I KNOW this) 

and YES he had "the equipment"

This is the part that hurts because I love him just as much as the other three even though I did not get to keep him, smell him, clothe him, kiss him, smell him, sing to him, teach him, bathe him, listen to him coo and giggle and eventually begin to talk, watch him crawl and move and eventually walk....

At some point the nurse brought a beautiful memory book that I could write in which included pics of the baby that we could look at later as we needed to or show our family if they needed to see him. The book came with an outfit that I thought was very beautiful but, because our baby was so tiny I asked the nurse to take back and give to another family who may actually be able to use it for their baby. But, the gesture was not lost on me. It was very sweet.

A year after, on the anniversary of AJ's death we received a card from the nurses in this unit and I have always been touched deeply by the work that they are doing for and during the grieving process of all those parents who have lost their babies too.

Thank you.

This is NOT my whole story but it is enough for you to know and share my sorrow.
AND enough for all the other mother's who have felt the same to know, I KNOW and I UNDERSTAND.

I have since had a beautiful, healthy, joyful, angel baby and have moved on from this sorrow but, I carry AJ with me always and I will never forget him.

GREEN is the colour of GROWTH

{Post 43/365: Original Post: HubPages and Verisimilitude}

This is the colour green:

peppers

a field of long grass

rows and rows of green grapes growing healthy

the taste of fresh limes

sweet summer pea pods

the smell of freshly cut grass

tall trees...long standing sentinels of time

lucky four leaf clover found

patches of clover in the grass

vines clinging to trellis, walls and fences

rocks overgrown with brilliant green moss

the taste of fresh sugar snap peas

the aroma of freshly broken herbs

new spring buds on the plants and trees