SURFACING or SINKING

{Post 2/365: Original Post: Dreams From the Deep BLUE }

I have dreams, wishes, hopes , goals, desires, and needs just like anyone else.

I struggle daily to move forward.

Sometimes I will have a surge of energy or inspiration from a story or book I have read, or a particular quote that sparked my interest, or  maybe from a conversation with a friend.

I will feel inspired and creative and think of many of the things that I desire to do or be.

Then I am surfacing from the deep; from the walls and chains of self-pity, fear, self-loathing or indecision that keeps me mired in the deep unable to shine with the light of creativity and love that glows as a tiny spark inside me.

For a moment I believe that I can do or be anything I want to.

Sometimes the moment is longer than at other times and in this period I begin all sorts of different projects, hoping to improve whatever I feel is lacking in any given area at the time.  I might start learning to drum, or begin writing a book.  I might begin a DIY project in some room of my house. I might  have all sorts of great ideas to begin that will make me feel capable and accomplished if I do actually complete them…

…and then, somewhere along the way I will begin to lose steam and start hearing the voices in my head that say you took on too much, who are you to think you can do this and be any good at it, does anyone really want to hear what you have to say?, you can’t possibly finish that project it’s such a huge job!

I will get tired and give up and then SINK into complacency and believe that I am incapable, believe that I am not good enough, believe that I am nobody special and I really have nothing important or interesting to say.  I’m really lucky anyone ever listens to me at all!

I am thinking long and hard now about the long path between surfacing and sinking and I wish to shorten it.  In fact, I’d like to abolish it altogether, surface completely and then ride the wave all the way to wherever it goes…

I am capable, I am GOOD ENOUGH, I am SPECIAL, and I have LOTS of relevant and important things to say!

I know that I am still going to struggle with the sinking but, it is long overdue time to accept that I am a beautiful, vibrant, intelligent, capable human being and I CAN do whatever I want to do!

So I have decided to consciously choose SURFACING as often as I can and NOT allow the voices that drag me backwards to ever speak again! (Obviously, they’re gonna try hard to drag me down and keep me stagnant but, I refuse to allow them power in my life anymore!)

I CAN write! I can drum! I can eat properly, exercise and keep track of my health. I can make beautiful jewelry. I can TRUST and BELIEVE in MYSELF! I can SHINE with my own LIGHT and I will!

I WILL BELIEVE IN ME!!!!!!