Chaos

{Post: 327/365}

too much to do

swirling in my head

causing chaos

and stress

only a moment away

crochet gifts

decorate

sort financials

publish and post

my queen book

for sale

(with official ISBN)

do more research

mapping and planning

for my new book project

and get ready for 

annual

Christmas Dinner party

and even more than this

is on the list

swirling in my head

causing chaos

this is just my life

too many balls in the air

I have HOPE

{Post: 326/365}

days full of stress

worry

visits to Drs.

social worker

and case worker

and eventually

the job is done

sent in the mail

and out of my hands

it is out in the universe

and I have hope

for better days 

around the corner

I have HOPE

Sleep and Dream

{Post: 322/365}

restless sleep

riddled with dreams

strangeness

fighting

crochet

passion and pain

obvious stress

and worry

keeping my dream life

full and busy

and my sleep

from being complete

hot flashes

potty breaks

thirsty for water

cats causing ruckus

crashing and banging

waking me out of a dead sleep

and causing my nerve ends

to jangle

hope for better

and restful sleep

tonight

Down

{Post: 308/365}

down

and depressed

feeling the bluest

of the blue

dreading

freaking out

worrying

stressing myself out

trying not to

lay down and die

and give up

long before it is time

i have to climb up

again

climb out 

of the troubles I'm in

and find the strength

find the faith

to continue

I Will NOT Beg

{Post: 283/365}

I am NOT

going to beg

if the universe

is really

in alignment

with what I need

then

what will be will be

I will receive the call

I will receive the help

I will lose the stress

and life will stop

being such a huge

struggle

and disappointment

to me

I NEED help

but I will NOT beg

I leave it to be what it will

Worry and Stress

{Post: 266/365}

trying to remember

not to forget

that to worry

and stress

causes me

more worry

and stress 

and keeps my 

worry and stress

circling the drain

swirling and whirling

like a tornado

with only hurt and more

worry and stress

as a result

trying to remember

hakuna matata

and NO worries

NO stress

 but for me

it's hard

Struggling

{Post: 229/365}

struggling

with frustration

and wondering

if anything I am doing

or have done

over the last couple of years

makes any difference 

at all

tired of searching for new ways

to eat all the old things

tired of all the things on the list

I should NEVER

eat again

tired of eating when I'm NOT hungry

except that NOT eating will

bounce my sugars

usually up instead of down

and frustrate me more

or I will begin to feel

queezy and upset tummy

and NOT want to eat because of that!

tired of trying to find the exact right balance

of protein and starch

and vegetables

wishing

that I had been aware

or cared more when I was younger

or changed my bad habits then

but then I think

it would change nothing

because I am ME

and I am the me that I have always been

and always meant to be

so I can only try NOW

to do the things that need to be done

and NOT beat myself up

when I falter along the way

I'm doing the best I can

and THAT is the truth!

Hakuna Matata

{Post: 92/365}

hakuna matata

it means

there are no worries

in Swahili

it is a phrase

the muse and I share

when he reminds me

not to stress

to breath

and not to worry

to be happy

when he says it

i smile

because i immediately

begin singing

Hakuna Matata 

in my head

and thinking...

"it's a problem free

philosophy"

but it WORKS

because then I try

NOT to stress

and NOT to worry

but rather 

to breath

and to BE

in the moment

in the now

without the worry

AND with THE JOY

you know

it's a good idea...

don't worry

be happy!

Fear

{Post: 65/365}

how to explain

or express

that every time

some new 

and disturbing

change occurs 

in my body

I feel

TERRIFIED

I accept 

that PARTS of this

are mine to own

and I could have done 

better things

made better choices

but much of this

is NOT my fault

it is the accident

of my birth

into a crappy gene pool

from one parent

the gift of

polycystic kidneys and gout

from the other parent

a family history

of diabetes

as well as arthritis

which won't help later at all

so I try hard

to make changes

and better choices 

NOW

but it is hard 

and sometimes life

and circumstance

fight against me 

in a steady stream of obstacles

it is a daily struggle

but I keep fighting

and hoping

that slow and steady

really does win the race

because otherwise

tomorrow looks bleak

and I don't want 

to meet it

:(

Stress

{Post: 47/365}

tension tightens

in my shoulder and neck

and creates

a headache

I endure

by closing my eyes

and resting

eventually

I give up

and give in

and take something

to ease the pain

but it doesn't last

I can feel myself

clenching my jaw

gritting my teeth tightly

and it does nothing

to ease the pain

or slow the tightening of stress

in my body

I take a deep breath

and try to relax

I try to remember

don't worry, be happy

or 

hakuna matata

(no worries)

but I am a worrier

and I don't handle stress

very well

so

I aim for sleep

blessed sleep

and for awhile

I am released

until my dreams

cause me to wake

and recreate the stress

for new reasons, or dream reasons

but all the same

I worry too much

and it hurts

I think I really do

need to learn

to meditate and breath deeply

without stress!!