Forgiveness

{Post: 321/365}
I forgive you but I can no longer be your friend.
It is a long old history we have full of ups and downs, fights and fun, friendship, sisterhood, love...or so I thought. I don't know what I ever did to you that makes you want to squash me down so much and hurt me but it seems that everything you do is designed to cause me the most hurt in the softest places.
There have been so many different things over the last few years and the biggest over the last few months that have seriously opened my eyes and NOW I see. You don't care about me at all. You care about YOU. Everything you do in regards to me is meant to make me feel like a bug or a slug or a piece of crap and YOU like you are something and someone much better than me, much more of everything.
I forgive you because I think that you don't like yourself so deeply that you MUST use and abuse and manipulate me in order to feel anything good at all.
I am doing the best thing for both of us. I am stopping this madness. We've had this insane, twisted competitive relationship long enough.
I really hope that you will do the work you need to do to find the truth inside yourself and become a better, wiser, stronger version of yourself but I don't think that is possible if we are attached to each other.
I've allowed this behaviour already for far too long.
I deserve better than this and really so do you.
I have never been strong enough to tell you how I feel and apparently still am not because I'm writing it like this. THIS really is not for you. THIS is so I have said it, am done with it now and can let it go.
I have loved you for years and so allowed many many things because maybe I don't always like a person's behaviour or choices but I love them and so I allow them to just BE, no matter what. I am angry and bitter about many of the things you have done to me but I don't hate you. I forgive you.
I love you for the many wonderful things you HAVE done and the things we have shared that were joyful and good but I can no longer be the punching bag that keeps taking hits. My skin is peeling and the stuffing is falling out. I've had ENOUGH. I hope you find whatever it is that you are missing because it is obvious that SOMETHING is lacking or you wouldn't have to try and take everything that is MINE.
I don't have the strength or energy for you anymore because I am taking the most terrifying, energy draining, stress filled ride of my life and if you can't support me through it and instead feel the need to add to the pain, confusion and distress then there really is no option but to cut you loose.
This is NOT about something that happened in the past though that is a big part of it because it is a reference point. THIS is about what you are doing in the NOW of our lives. It is actually repeating a previous action.
I don't know why you did it the first time. I don't know why you did it this time.
I think that perhaps it should be the point you begin with when you decide to search your soul for the reasons you have ever done what you've done. YOU alone are responsible for your choices.
It was never what you did. It was always the lies you told. I think the problem really is that you lie to yourself the most and it makes it easier to believe the stories you tell other people.
I hate liars. Yet, I forgave you and we moved forward because I believed you were sorry. I believed that you loved me. I believed that I had some value for you. Even when you did things that I KNOW were meant to dig at me and hurt me, I believed that I mattered to you and there was some reason I deserved it.
I DON'T deserve it. I never did. I no longer believe a word you say. You are a LIAR. You always have been and unless YOU choose not to be you always will be.
Even for that I forgive you. The problem is that I have seen the truth and I can't go backwards into what was. I must go forward now. I don't know what will happen in the future.
Unfortunately, we are attached in some ways and it will probably mean occasional socializing but I need it to be very clear that we are NOT friends any longer and I will NOT lie, pretend or play nice.
I don't believe you and I can't see a time that I ever will again.
Still, I do not wish evil for you. I WISH for you to own up to yourself and find out who you really are and what you really want and need. I don't think you even know yourself.
I wish for you to find whatever happiness you can and even if that means you need to take all MY friends with you...so be it.
I wish you well. I forgive you. I hope that you find healing for whatever tortures your heart and soul.
I do forgive you but we are no longer friends.